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A NEW HOPE/Transcript

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Transcript

Mark: (to audience) Hello everybody, and welcome to Drunk Minecraft with me, Bob and Wade!

Wade: Hi everybod— oh man!

Bob: (squeakily, to audience) And Butters!

Mark: Shut—! Bob!

Wade: *laughs*

Mark: Shut up.

Wade: (laughing) Zombie took all my stuff.

Bob: (to Mark) Why're you being so [omitted: mean]? God.

Mark: You busted it out way too early.

Wade: I've got nothing now.

Mark: I—

Bob: (interrupting) Alright, do your intro. I'll shut up.

Mark: I just did it!

Bob: I'll... I'll turn my mic off.

Mark: No, that was it! We just did it!

Wade: *laughs*

Bob: We're not livestreaming, do it again!

Mark: Wait— no, we're recording now!

Wade: *laughs*

Bob: What, do you— are you William Shatner? You don't do more than one take?

Mark: No, I don't. Bob... sh-sh-shu— (to audience) I'm drinking beer. Bob's drinking... (to Bob) what're you drinking?

Bob: Gin... and, mostly gin.

Mark: Gin and gin. (to Wade) Wade? (to audience) Bob is 'muyskerm'.

Wade: I'm drinking a Double Long Island.

Mark: Double? Double Long Island.

Bob: 'Dja have to pay extra for that?

Wade: I made it myself, so I hope not.

Bob: (about game) Can I eat glass? I'm already starving to death. This is not going well—

Mark: Bob. Here, fine. (drops loaves of bread) Just take some bread.

Wade: (dumbfounded) How do you have bread Mark?! I lost everything!

Mark: I s— shut up. Shh, sh, sh, I stole bread.

Bob: *chuckles*

Bob, Wade: (to Zombiemold) Zombie, take away all of Mark's things!

Mark: No! Don't take my bread.

Bob, Wade: *laugh*

Wade: Come on!

Mark: No, I...

Wade: I worked for, like, an hour to get just some wooden tools, and it was taken from me!

Mark: Nope, all gone. I'm the only one with bread. You serve me, or you starve.

Bob: Should we build a house or something, then? Or...

Wade: I don't know, I don't even have anything.

Mark: I don't know— wait, no... (checks offscreen)

Bob: We should build an underwater house!

Mark: Shut up, that's number one on the list.

Wade: Wait, what? I've got four ‘sand’ in my inventory! (laughing)

Mark: Alri—

Bob: I've got fifty-two ‘glass’ blocks on [omitted:?]

Mark: H-Hold on... hold on, hold on... hold on...

Wade: We're like naked twins that are serving Mark!

Mark: HOLD... Hold... your tits. Hold on.

Bob: No. (about Wade) I'll hold his tits.

Wade: Oww.

Mark: Yeah, whatever, just hold... I don't know. (reading objective list) "Underwater house"... "who can build the GAYEST house"...

Wade: You.

Bob: Probably Mark.

Mark: "Castle in the sk—" (glares at Bob and Wade)

Bob, Wade: *laugh*

Mark: ...What, are you trying to insinuat— alright, shut up. "Ca—"

Bob: Should've picked better teammates for this Mark, we're just gonna gang up on you.

Wade: Yeah, we are.

Mark: I have Zombie on my side— I could get him to smite you so hard.

Wade: Zombie would go for us over you.

Mark: (to audience) Zombiemold— in case you guys didn't know, Zombiemold... (to Bob and Wade) for the people watching this, later... not right now...

*beat*

Wade: (laughing) Serious?

Bob: Yup.

Bob, Wade: *laugh*

Mark: (to audience) Zombiemold, is the... owner of the server. (continuing objective list) "Castle in the sky"... “cactus maze", "some crap with redstone", "diamond race"... (to Bob and Wade) that means, finds... who- who finds... for—y-you know. (continuing list) "Giant chair", "mansion", "a spaceship penis"...

Wade: (laughing) Pfft, what?!

Mark: "Kill—" You know, a spaceship...

Wade: ...penis.

Mark: ...except it's a penis.

Wade: Okay...

Mark: Alright…

Bob: Who did "giant chair"? Who invited that guy?

Mark: Shut up. It's like... I don't know, people, like, think it's my thing, I don't know. (continuing list) "Kill NPC villages with lava", "build a rollercoaster—"

Wade: (laughing, about 'destroying villages') Hahaha, I like that!

Mark: "A giant statue of me [Markiplier]", I like that one.

Bob: Hahaha, yeah right.

Wade: Yeah, I'd veto [omitted: it].

Mark: "Build the best murder machine"...

Bob: (to group) Wait, you know, we could do two birds with one stone and do a giant... penis spaceship statue, and then put a big sign in front of it that says, "This is also Mark".

*beat*

Wade: *laughs*

Bob: Get it? Mark would be the penis!

Wade: What if we had a tiny penis... what if we had a tiny penis statue?

Mark: You can all... fuck off, why did I invite you to this?

Wade: *laughs*

Bob: (to Mark) I don't know.

Mark: Alright—

Wade: (laughing) Why did you invite us DRUNK to this?! That’s the thing!

Mark: (continuing list) "Hi—" "Hide and seek"... "two Eiffel Towers and then you jump off the Eiffel Towers into giant pits—" I don't know, that one was confusing.

Bob: "Two"?

Mark: Oh, we gotta say Happy Birthday to Jenn-e-fer...

Bob: Just like in France?

Mark: …hang on, we gotta say Happy Birthday to Jenn-e-fe—

Wade: "Jennifer"?

Mark: No, that's her name, "Jenn-e-fer"... (gets shot by Skeleton) Also known as "Chibi—" OW, what da fuck?! Can someone kill this zombie?

Wade: (to ChibiSugar) "Jenn-e-fer, Ow, What The Fuck", happy birthday.

Mark: I'm gonna kill this zombie with bread. (starts pummelling skeleton with loaf of bread)

Bob: (laughing, to ChibiSugar) Happy birthday, "Jenn-e-fer, Ow, What The Fuck".

Mark: Her name—

Bob: Precisely.

Mark: No, her name was, like, "ChibiSugar" on... the livestream. Or... whatever, I don't know. On—

Bob: In the chat?

Mark: Sh-she-she comments a lot on my videos. Her name's "ChibiSugar". (still hitting skeleton; kills it) Kill this— there we go.

Wade: (to ChibiSugar) Happy birthday... ChibiSugar/Jennefer.

Mark: Yeah, Jenn— no, it's "Je—" "Jenn-", one word...

Wade: Jenn-EHH-fer.

Mark: "E-", one word... "fer—" (looks up, to Bob) W-What're you doing, digging in the sand?

Wade: What?

Bob: I'm... making a castle.

Wade: *loudly scoffs*

Mark: (in disbelief) ...out of sand?

Wade: (laughing) It's a sand castle!

Bob: It's a sand castle, dick!

Mark, Wade: *chuckle*

Bob: It's a thing!

Mark: *chuckles*

Wade: Are you building a moat? 'Cause I'm digging sand out, too.

Mark: I'm just gonna sit here— I got more on my list, shut up.

Wade: Okay, you keep reading.

Mark: (continuing list) "Mini-golf", "build a mini-golf court"... and then—''

Wade: "Court", [omitted: or] "course"?

Bob: *laughs*

Mark: And the last one... (to Wade) shut up— (to group) the last one, "Burn down villages and forests while taunting Smokey The Bear and making inappropriate jokes about Colorado".

Wade: ...what?

Bob: I like that one.

Wade: *scoffs*

Mark: You like that one? You're weird.

Bob: 'Cause we have to start off by making a statue of Smokey The Bear that's big enough to see from where we're burning down villages and forests.

Wade: Or we could just trap a bear and call him Smokey.

Mark: We could do that.

Bob: No, that's too easy.

Mark: That sounds pretty hard, I mean...

Bob: I want a Smokey The Bear statue with the yellow fireman's hat, and the overalls, and the shovel or whatever the fuck he has... is it a shovel?

Wade: (to Zombiemold) Zombie, we need a Smokey The Bear costume...

Mark: No, "statue".

Wade: Er, statue, with a yellow hat and overalls.

Bob: *laughs* One of us could BE Smokey The Bear.

Wade: *laughs*

Bob: We should put a Smokey The Bear costume on Mark...

Mark: Oh...

Bob: And then we could just do what we were gonna do anyway.

Wade: *chuckles*

Mark: Shuuut up. This is not conducive to good Minecraft behaviour.

Bob: Uh, what?

Mark: You guys don't even know!

Bob: What's that even mean?

Mark: You're not Minecraft pros like I am!

Bob: I know I'm not a Minecraft pro. You can tell because I'm digging sand... with sand.

Mark: *amused face*

Wade: Oh...

Mark: *chuckles* I don't know why that was funny.

Wade: Alright, I'm taking a long sip of this drink 'cause I'm gonna need it to last through this.'

Mark: Is it gonna— is i— we're goin' for a forty-five-minute episode here. (looks at episode timer)

Wade: How—

Mark: I didn't even start the clock!

Bob: *laughs* So this is gonna be a six-hour episode then? Is that what you're saying?

Mark: Shut up, no, I got it, it's— we're only, like, five minutes.

Bob: Five minutes? Uhh...

Mark: What? I didn't—

Wade: We've not even done anything besides read what we might do!

Mark: You—! It takes a while.

Bob: Yeah, you're gonna have to cut some of this out, Mark. This episode is really...

Mark: No, you... I— it's all staying in. It's all—

Wade: Yeah, this is a non-censored episode.

Mark: ...completely uncut.

Bob: This is like—

Wade: Hey Bob, let's go swim with the squids again!

Bob: —that Kardashian show.

Wade: *hums*

Mark: Which one?

Bob: I don't know, how many are there?

Mark: *burps*

Bob: I mean the one where they leave all the pointless stuff in, and, you know, don’t edit out—'

Wade: I am the Squid King!

Mark: I've never watched it, so I-I wouldn't know what you were talking about. I'm 'onna build somethin' useful... by the way.

Wade: 'Kay, I'm gonna get sugar cane.

Bob: I'll get us some wooden tools.

Mark: ...b-by useful, I mean I'm 'onna build a... crafting table.

Bob: I'm gonna get some tools.

Wade: Oh, hey, you know what?

Mark: What? (suppressed burp) What?

Bob: I'm gonna get some wood so we can make tools.

Mark: No, I got it. Hang on, I got it.

Wade: I've got— I've got a hundred and some-odd wood right here. Er, wooden planks here.

Bob: What?

Mark: Wh— how?

Bob: What?

Wade: 'Cause I was cuttin' down trees the whole time Bob was digging his sand fort and you were talking.

Mark: Sh— ah, shut your face.

Bob: Man, I was doing some useless shit.

Wade: And I still have some ink sacs.

Mark: Ask me how much I give a shit about what you do, Wade—

Bob: (interrupting) How much do you give a shit about what— eh— oh, you didn't finish.

Mark: Yeah...

Mark, Wade: *laugh*

Wade: (laughing) "How much do you give a shit about whatever you were gonna say?"

Mark: Shut up! I w... This is MY show!

Wade: Apparently.

Mark: You all—

Bob: [omitted: You] all suck!.

Mark: I... What?

*beat*

Wade: Hello everybody, and welcome to Bob and Wade's show where we invited Mark.

All: *chuckle*

Bob: Very generous of Mark to come—

Wade: (laughing) We’re thinking about kicking him out.

Bob: —and play Minecraft, on our, uh, personal server that we host here.

Mark: *chuckles*

Wade: (laughing) Yeah. We allowed Zombiemold to come in and be our mod.

Mark: Our personal man-slave Zombiemold here. He's here.

Wade: *chuckles*

Bob: He likes it.

Mark: Yeah, he does.

Wade: Oh... he likes it.

Bob: Usually he—

Mark: Am I eve— am I even recording in Skype, though? Or— or— am I recording in...

Wade: (laughing) I hope so!

Mark: I am, okay. I am. So, that's good.

Wade: Oh...

Bob: *chuckles*

Mark: That's good. *chuckles* I need more beer.

Wade: Yeah, that’s [*something*] this crazy day. Needing more to drink.

Bob: I don't know if that's as true as you think it is.

Mark: What? ...huh, what?

Wade: I don't know, man.

Mark: Suddenly, I found myself digging sand.

Wade: *laughs*

Bob: See? It's awesome.

Mark: It's just something to do, like, I don't know, we—

Bob: Well, get some wood if you need something to do.

Mark: No, I go— I got some wood. I...

Bob: I... need it.

Mark: There's no cobblestone.

Wade: I got fifty-eight wooden planks if everybody needs any.

Mark: No one gives a shit.

Wade: Go fuck [omitted: yourself].

Mark: I've got fifteen.

Wade: Er... go— can I say "fuck you" on this?

Mark: Sure!

Wade: 'Kay.

Mark: Say it loud and say it proud!

Bob: *laughs* You— you said it! Why would you say it if you're asking if you can say it?

Mark: *laughs*

Bob: "Hey, can I say "ass-rape"? Oh..."

Mark, Wade: *laugh*

Mark: Ah, shit.

Bob: Well anyway, this other day... I don't know.

Mark: *laughs*

Bob: So-something about ass-rape, I couldn't—

Mark: Go on! Go on!

Wade: *laughs*

Bob: I couldn't bring 'em home.

Wade: "I committed ass-rape, how was your day?"

Mark: Oh, okay. Alright.

Bob: Oowww...!

Mark: Ohhh...!

Bob: Really, though, rape isn't funny.

Mark: No, it's not. It's... not. Unless it happens to a guy.

Wade: Real rape isn't, but joking about rape is fine.

Bob: (laughing) "Unless it..."! *laughs*

Bob: Unless what?

Mark: Unless it happens to a guy, apparently.

Wade: Wait, what?

Mark: And then it's hilarious.

Bob: What?

Mark: This is Dave—

Bob: That sounds LESS funny.

Wade: Can you really— well, unless you're really ugly, can you really rape a guy?

Mark: No, I— Dave Chappelle, uh... you know what I'm talking about, right? Dave Chappelle had a great bit about...

Bob: Who's Dave Chappelle?

Mark: *sighs*

Wade: Oh boy...

Bob: *laughs* I am the joking!

Mark: *laughs*

Wade: (laughing) "The joking"!

Mark: Wha— what?

Wade: (laughing) What is "the joking"?

Bob: You know, "the joking".

Mark: "The joking"?

Wade: The "Joke King". He's "The Joke King", is what he was trying to say.

Bob: OHH! That's correct.

Mark: Shhhut up Wade.

Wade: How do we have grass over here? Is this dirt?

Mark: No, it's GRASS... wait, what?

Wade: Was this dirt or was this sand? I thought it was all sand. Holy shit.

Mark: This is dirt! The green stuff is g... dirt-grass.

Wade: Damn, it came out of nowhere.

Bob: The big yellow one is the sun?

Mark: (looks up) I don't even see the sun.

Wade: I think the [omitted: ??] sleeping or something.

Mark: ...what?

Wade: Hey, there's ROCK underwater!

Mark: *scoffs*

Bob: Mark, did you make a crafting table? Is that it?

Mark: Yeah! It's over here. It's o'er— it's right here.

Bob: Dope.

Wade: Which one's real, and which one's mine?

Mark: ...what?

Bob, Wade: *laugh*

Mark: I got cobblestone— I'm making cobblestone tools.

Bob: I'm, uhh, I'm with Mark on this one.

Mark: I don't think we were—

Bob: (aside) What?

Mark: I don't think I intended it for us to, like, start THIS... ea-early in the game, 'cause this is just, like—

Wade: Yeah, I know! We got nothing going on!

Mark: —a completely new and… there's nothing happening and it's just starting out new. But, I don’t care. I don’t give a shit right now, ‘cause I got stone tools. So fuck all you.

Bob: You suck. You’re a dick.

Mark: I do.

Wade: (aside) Aww, that’s gravel, dammit. (to group) I got sandstone. There’s sandstone—

Mark: No one. Gives. A shit, about your sandstone.

Wade: I do.

Bob: You know what?

Mark: (to Wade) Th-that’s no one.

Wade: I am me.

Bob: You know what I wish?

Mark: What?

Bob: …I wish I didn’t have shitty tools.

Mark: Well, here’s some—

Wade: (to Zombiemold) Zombie, give us fifteen diamonds! Not Mark, though. Or, at—

Mark: (checking inventory) Oh, I HAVE diamonds! I have diamonds, hang on— (begins crafting diamond tools)

Wade: Take away Mark’s diamonds!

Mark: I have dia— DON’T. Take my diamonds.

Bob: [*something, something*]

Mark: I-I have diamonds.

Bob: (to Wade) Hey, Wade…

Wade: Yo.

Bob: I know how we can get Mark’s diamonds…

Mark: AHH!! No! You fucker!

Wade: Oh, do we have PVP on?

Mark: Stay the fuck away.

Wade: I’ve got a wooden sword of-of-o— Zombie, make a Wooden Sword of Godliness.

Mark: Dammit, dammit, dammit— come on, fucking diamond… FUCK. (crafts diamond sword) There it is!

Bob: *laughs*

Mark: (leaves crafting table without retrieving items) Hah! …AHH, my diamonds!

Bob: Hehe-yes! (moves to collect diamonds)

Mark: No, fuck off!

Bob: YES! Gimme dat shit!

Mark: (weakly) Fuck you! …did I get it…? (checks inventory; only one diamond) Aww, you fucker!

Wade: Oh, eleven diamonds! I got eleven diamonds! Hahahaha!

Bob: *laughs*

Mark: You fucking— hang on…

Bob: I’ll fight him off, Wade, save ‘em!

Wade: Aarrgh!

Mark: (chasing Wade, crazily) Eh, eh, ehh, ehh, ehh, aaAARRGGH!

Wade: (diving into ocean) Squid brothers, protect me!

Mark: Motherfucker! Piece o’shit!

Bob: *laughs*

Mark: (directs attention to Bob) You son of a bit— (hits Bob continuously) E-explode! (Bob dies; items scatter) There you go!

Bob: (laughing) Goddammit!

Wade: I’m gonna throw the diamonds in the middle of the ocean!

Mark: (looking at Bob’s items) …yeah. (looks up)

Bob: Aw shit.

Mark: My diamonds! You didn’t stop me from getting dia— I need more beer.

Wade: I still have diamonds. I’m gonna make some diamond armour—

Bob: Hey, is Zombie— is Zombiemold still here?

Mark: He should be.

Bob: I res—

Wade: Zombie, if you’re here, say ‘hello’.

Bob: Hey… it worked.

Mark: Huh?

Bob: I think—

Zombie: Still here.

Mark: There he is!

Wade: Why’s this not moving?

Bob: Where’d you guys go?

Mark: Right here.

Bob: Oh, there you are. (hits Mark) Suck it!

Wade: *laughs*

Mark: You—! Oh, don’t tempt me, man. (to Zombiemold, with great reluctance) Zombie… take away my diamond tools… I’m bei—

Bob: Dick.

Mark: I’m being poignant. (tools disappear) There they go. They’re gone.

Bob: “Poi—” “Poignant”?

Mark: Poignant.

Bob: I dunno what that means.

Mark: Poignant.

Bob: Does that mean “smelly”?

Mark: *sighs*

Wade: [*something*]

Bob: Does that mean… “gay”?

Mark: Yeah, yeah, it means “smelly” and “gay”. It means both of those things.'

Bob: That’s a really offensive word, I didn’t think…'

Mark: *laughs*

Bob: …that’s… I wouldn’t expect that sort of word to exist.

Mark: Huh, what? Yeah, it does.

Bob: Weird.

Mark: (to group) So, are we gonna complete an objective or what? We got—

Wade: Hey Mark! Look what I found!

Mark: Don’t give a shit— what? Huh?

Wade: (approaches Mark with diamond sword)

Mark: (feigning excitement) He-he-hey! You’re a son of a bitch!'

Wade: *chuckles*

Mark: (to Zombiemold) Zombie, take away… take away LordMinion777’s, also known as Wade’s… diamond sword.

Wade: Zombie, you don’t wanna do that… (sword disappears) NOO!! No!

Bob: Haha!

Mark: They’re gone. (chuckling) They’re gone.

Bob: Assbag.

Mark, Wade: *chuckle*

Wade: Dammit!

Mark: (mining) Hey, I got coal! Isn’t tha— Isn’t that incredible?

Wade: This is—

Bob: Are you mining?

Mark: Yeah, I’m mining.

Bob: Where’re you mining? ‘Cause this is just a little tiny hole… that…

Mark: W-what?

Wade: Let’s get cobblestone down here.

Mark: Sh, I got cobblestone.

Wade: Oh.

*sand drops where Mark is digging*

Mark: Ah, sand.

Bob: Mark, where are you?

Mark: I’m in a hole. Whe-where are you—

Bob: Yeah, I’m in a hole, too.

Mark: Where’s— Where’s Wad— what?

Wade: Yeah, we got our own hole.

Mark: We’re s’posed to be doing—

Bob: This is our club. You can’t come in.

Mark: We’re s’posed to be doing—

Bob: No girls allowed.

Wade: *laughs*

Mark: …fuck you.

Bob: What were you going to say?

Mark: Fuck you. (hits Bob)

Bob: Ow!

Wade: Aww, laggin’.

Mark: Get used to it. Alright, anyway, are we gonna do… one of the objectives, or what? I don’t even wanna…

Wade: I don’t give a shit, whatever.

Bob: I’m making some stone tools.

Wade: I need another drink, hold on.

Mark: I—

Bob: Alright, Mark, pick one. You’re the leader here, pick one.

Mark: What? I… I gave you all the choices.

Bob: Pick one!

Wade: I thought you were the “Big Bad Boss Man”.

Mark: “Statue of me [Markiplier]”.

Wade: Okay. Bob, pick one.

Mark: Fuck you.

Bob: “Statue of Mark”.

Mark: Yeah.

Bob: But the ‘penis’ one I was talking about before.

Mark: FUCK OFF.

Wade: A tiny one and a chair? A tiny penis and a chair for— to represent Mark?

Mark: Fuck—

Bob: (interrupting) Mark’s… Mark’s favourite things?

Mark: Fuck—

Wade: *laughs*

Mark: F—

All: *laugh*

Mark: I shouldn’t be laughing at that.

Bob: You know, laughing indicates acceptance.

Mark: *chuckles*

Mark: I shouldn’t laugh at that, but tha… that was kinda funny.

Bob: Why, ‘cause tiny penises aren’t funny?

Mark: I… I don’t know—

Bob: Serious epidemic?

Wade: The fact that you and I are walking around in our boxers while Mark has his own skin’s a little bad.

Mark: Yeah.

Bob: I don’t know… why you think you’re in your boxers, ‘cause you’re totally wearing a shirt and pants on my screen.

Mark: Yeah, well—It’s ‘cause Bob doesn’t have a-a custom… um…

Wade: Oh, okay. I’ve got the same thing Mark had, what’s it called? “Sphinx”? “Sphanx”?

Mark: No, you don’t have Sphax now.

Wade: Oh, what do I have?

Bob: “Spanky-do”?

Mark: You have… uhm…

Bob: Please say it’s called “Spanky-do”.

Mark: I think it’s called “Spanky-do”, I believe.

Bob: *laughs*

Wade: Alright. I do.

Mark: You have the Spanky-Do texture pack.

Bob: Yes!

Mark: I believe, yes.

Wade: Is this, um, custom for Zombie’s server?

Mark: No, no, it’s… no, it means… you’re gay.

Wade: Oh, okay.

Bob: Hey Mark.

Mark: Huh?

Bob: I think I know what we should do.

Mark: What?

Bob: We should make an incinerator that works.

Wade: *coughs; laughs*

Mark: …oookaay.

Bob: Remember how we always— we always make an incinerator, and it’s always shitty and burns our house down?

Mark: *laughs*

Wade: *coughs*

Mark: Yeah?

Bob: Remember how that happens?

Mark: Yes? I remember now.

Bob: We should make one that doesn’t do that.

Mark: *laughs* Oh, well then, we need lava. I’d better dig straight down.

Wade: Wait, where’d my feathers go? Dammit! Zombie, you took everything.

Mark: Yes.

Bob: Are there gonna be no—

Mark: (to Zombiemold) Zombie, take everything he has again. Take everything!

Wade: (laughing) Don’t do it!

Mark: Take everything!

Wade: (laughing) Don’t do it!

Mark: Whatever he has, I don’t care if it’s wooden sticks, take it away!

*pause*

Wade: Don’t do it, Zombie!

Mark: (to Wade) Did he take it away?

*pause*

Mark: (reaches ravine; gets shot by skeleton into ravine) Oh— AAH! (lands in water) I found… I found something.

Bob: *laughs*

Mark: I found lava. Hang on, I got lava— *gasps* I found friggin’ DIAMONDS! I win!

Bob: No, no way.

Mark: I win the race! I don’t— I WON! I w— it’s right here!

Bob: Dick.

Mark: I found it! Hang on, I got… g— wait, hang on. (crafts torches) A— e— torches… hang on…  I don’t even have iron tools, I can’t get it. But I found it.

Wade: I’m afraid to get anything, because now everything’s gonna disappear.

Mark: *laughs evilly* Don’t cross me. Don’t cross me, man.

Bob: *laughs* Do we have any torches?

Mark: I do.

Bob: I gonna s— I’m gonna do some work and get some torches.

Mark: If you had followed me down my—

Wade: We were invited here just to cross you, you know this.

Mark: Yes, I know… But, don’t cross me anyway.

Wade: I don’t want this gravel. Someone—

Mark: Got it! Iron, here we go. Oh, this is, like, the best ever. (excavates two blocks of iron) FUCK, only two. I need three…

Wade: Where are you Mark?

Mark: I’m in a hole.

Wade: Which hole? My hole?

Bob: No.

Mark: Your mom’s vagina…

*beat*

Bob: “Vaginer”?

Mark: Vag-vag-vagina…

Wade: Oh, oh crap, I found the… fuckin’ zombie lords.

Mark: (to Wade) You-you didn’t even notice… that I— I made a “your mom” joke…

Bob: I said “vaginer”.

Wade: No, I totally blocked you out for a while.

Mark: Right, okay. (runs into Creeper) AAHHH, IT’S A CREEPER!! (Creeper explodes, throwing Mark into water)

Bob, Wade: *laugh*

Bob: That’s, like, my favourite sound.

Wade: I know. The best part is we can’t see what’s goin’ on.

Mark: *laughs* You can all see it later. What’re we doing?!

Wade: I don’t know, I’m digging for no reason!

Mark: Okay, I gotta cross off “Find the first diamond”, ‘cause I won that one.

Wade: I didn’t know that was a thing.

Bob: We sh—

Mark: (writing on list) “Mark…iplier… WINNER… WIIINNERR…”

Bob: I think we should turn this into an epic… have-to-finish-all-of-the-things episode.

Mark: Really? That’s gonna be hard.

Wade: All of the things in forty-five minutes?!

Mark: The idea was to have multiple episodes of this, but if we’re just gonna have one, I suppose it can happen.

Wade: We should definitely have multiple.

Mark: Oh, that was the idea, but Bob says we should only have one!

Bob: Well, I’m fine then. You guys suck.

Wade: Bob, it does have to be DIVIDED into the next ones.

Mark: Oh, oh, I think people might disagree with that, Bob. I-I think (runs into spider) AHH, it’s a spider! …I’m scared down here. Can you guys, like, you know, help me?'

Bob: No.

Wade: Dude, I found, like… A thing of coal. I’m good. I can’t help ya.

Mark: (kills spider) I killed— (notices iron) AH, iron, I got it! Ooohh, yeah! (gets hit by zombie) AHH, zombie!

Bob: I am currently the worst [omitted: ??]

Mark: I’m ‘onna die.

Bob: I am currently—

Wade: Why haven’t I made stone tools yet? See, this i— ‘drunk’ is a terrible idea. I’m still using wooden tools.

Mark: (accidentally jumps into lava to avoid zombie) I’M ON FIIIRE!! (dies)

Bob: In a good—

Wade: Sounds like a personal problem.

Bob: In a good way or a bad way?

Mark: I DIED.

Bob: Oh. So bad.

Wade: “Markiplier tried to swim in a pool of lava”.

Mark: Shut up. Oohh! Okay. I’m okay.

Wade: Apparently, Bob and I should be recording so that people can actually watch some QUALITY playing.

Bob: Oh my God! I’m killing a huge thing of zombies. Is that good?

Wade: *laughs*

Mark: Why? Why?

Bob: (fighting a skeleton) Fuck off, skeleton.

Wade: Bob, don’t lead them down here, ‘cause, um, my back’s turned.

Mark: Huh?

Bob: I’m gonna push them in your hole.

Wade: Dammit. Why did I even say anything?

Mark: If you know what I mean?

Wade: I was, like, asking you to [omitted: keep them away].

Bob: Yeah, I-I hadn’t even thought of that.

Wade: *laughs* Is that code? “Push them in my [your] hole”? Never mind.

Bob: *laughs* Oh no!

Mark: Huh?

Bob: Oh no!

Mark: Wow, “LordMinion found 1 coal”.

Bob: Hey.

Mark: What’s tha—

Wade: What? I got sixteen coal.

Mark: You found one.

Bob: Aw goddammit.

Mark: My chunks aren’t loaded. (walks to previously-dug hole and falls in) WEEEEE—sploosh.

Bob: Mark needs chunks.

Mark: (falls further in ravine) WEEEE—sploosh.

Bob: Oh—

Wade: He’s got plenty of them, that’s why he needs to work out.

Mark: Shut—

Bob: Mark needs chunks!

Mark: Shut up! I’m— shut up.

Bob: Hey, light! (to Mark) Can I have a torch to-to… I know you’re gonna say “no”, so I’m not gonna finish asking.

Wade: Here, I dropped some torches.

Mark: (to Zombiemold) Zombie, give Bob ONE torch.

Bob: (to Wade) You’re the best!

Mark: ONE torch.

Wade: Oh crap, I picked them up. Here.

Bob: You dick!

Wade: *laughs* “You’re the best! You dick!”

Bob: Throw them— throw them AT me!

Mark: (runs into spider; runs in opposite direction) Aww, all my stuff burned in— (lands in same lava spout) I’M ON FIRE AGAIN!! (dies)

Bob: *laughs* Oh, this is my favourite.

Mark: Oh… ahh…

Bob: You know, I have to say, Mark, I was trying to avoid being all ‘fanboy’ while we were recording this, but… that—

Mark: (checks inventory) Why did my—! Whoa, why did my… Minecraft avatar turn into some Asian guy?

Bob: *laughs*

Wade: Well, that-that’s you, isn’t it?

Mark: I swear, my thing turned into some Asian guy.

Wade: Hold on, let me confirm—

Mark: What is—?!

Bob: No, it still looks like you.

Mark: I know, but, on mine, it looks like some Asian guy.

Bob: *chuckles*

Wade: That’s freaky.

Mark: Whyyy?

Wade: Mark, I hate to point this out, man, but, that’s you. Hey, I need food. Mark, toss me bread.

Mark: I don’t have any bread anymore, I died! Twice!

Wade: Then get it.

Mark: (points towards stray pig) There’s a pig. Kill it!

Wade: (chews on bread)

Bob: Wait, Mark, you interrupted, I was being a fan.

Mark: Huh?

Wade: Oh yeah.

Bob: I was gonna say, that video of yours, where the, uh… uh, what the fuck… tha— on the lake, whatever that was?

Mark: Huh?

Bob: That game? “Teteris… Lake”.

Wade: “Tenebris”?

Mark: Tenebris.

Bob: That one.

Mark: Yeah?

Bob: That scare you had that was, like, the most epic scare of all time?

Mark: Yah?

Bob: That was fucking great.

Mark: I know, right?

Wade: Oh, the one where the girl walks in out of nowhere?

Mark: “Girl”? I don’t know, it was some zombie-walker.

Bob: Crazy zombie-slicy-thing.

Wade: Oh…

Mark: Oh my God, scared the piss outta me.

Bob: It was an—

Mark: (looks up) AHH, it’s an Enderman!

Wade: I’m tossin’ someone’s charcoal on the ground here, someone go pick it up.

Mark: I don’t—

Bob: Oh, hey, that’s mine, and stuff.

Wade: I’m cookin’ this por— (accidentally places coal in ‘intake’ slot) what the— why am I cooking coal?

Mark: (checks furnace) Who’s cooking coal?!

Bob: Idiot.

Mark: (to Wade) What kinda idiot are you?

Wade: ‘Kay, I’m puttin’ in a porkchop.

Bob: Idiot.

Mark: We need… we’re gonna die.

Bob: *laughs*

Mark: (exploring nearby jungle) If we were really in this jungle—

Wade: Yes, we’re definitely gonna die! There’s, like, Endermen everywhere!

Mark: I need to… we didn— we didn’t even build a house! What is wrong with us? We’re—

Wade: We have nothing! We have no food—

Bob: The problem is…

Wade: —I’m still using wooden tools for some reason!

Bob: …Mark is our leader.

Mark: *laughs* Shut up!

Wade: Apparently, that’s working out really well for us, isn’t it?

Mark: SHUT… your face. I don’t want any of your sass. I—

Wade: (interrupting) Our leader is the dead guy.

Mark: I need more beer… Imma get more beer…

Wade: (sarcastically) Oh, well, don’t abandon us, great leader!

Bob: Can I light this on fire?

Mark: Hang on, I’m ‘onna get more beer, you guys be entertaining for a bit.

Bob: I, uhh…

Mark: Okay, and— (spotting discarded wooden pickaxes near Wade at crafting table) oh, Oh, OH. OH, STOLEN. Oh— (actually picks them up) OOH, STOLEN. Four pickaxes! Stolen!

Wade: You can have them. They’re wooden.

Mark: Oh, what now? (hitting Wade with wooden pickaxe) What now? What now? Oh, yeah… that’s right— okay, don’t kill me. Imma go away for a bit. Don’t… don’t kill me. (leaves post)

Bob: Uhm… hey Wade.

Wade: ‘Sup, man?

Bob: ...How’s it going?

Wade: Oh, it’s goin’ good, how’re you doin’?

Bob: I’m good.

Wade: (noticing something) Wait, who the hell’s over here? I thought this was you!

Bob: (chuckling) No!

Wade: (off-screen) Who’s this?! …What is this?! Is this Zombie or somethin’?

Bob: (off-screen) ...I don’t know what that is.

Wade: (off-screen) I’m gonna leave it alone, you, uhh, you have fun—

Bob: (off-screen) Is that a caveman?

Wade: (off-screen) I hope so! I hope it’s something not creepy.

Bob: (off-screen) Wait, come back me up! I wanna—

Wade: (off-screen) Mark can’t see what we’re talking about, so I guess no one else—

Bob: (off-screen) I wanna—I wanna attack it. Oh, yeah—

Wade: (off-screen) It just disappeared in the sand!

Bob: (off-screen) Let’s get him over here in front of— oh my God, what’s happening?

Wade: (off-screen) I don’t… I… I don’t know. Would…? *laughs* Oh God.

Bob: (off-screen) It’s looking at me.

Wade: (off-screen) Oh—AHH!! AHH, it just ‘ported above me! Ohh… we’re digging our own grave, we gotta get outta here!

Bob: (off-screen) Oh, goddammit! This is like that Community episode.

Mark: (returns to post) What’s goin’ on? What’s happening?

Wade: Oh my God.

Bob: Mark, come over here!

Wade: Mark, what is this over here?! A zombie?

Mark: Where?

Bob: Mark, come here!

Mark: Where? What?

Wade: (pointing at Sphax-textured villager) Mark, what is this thing?

Mark: This i— That’s a villager!

Wade: Why is it here?!

Bob: Why can’t I kill it?

Mark: I don’t know— ‘cause it’s a village— I don’t know— OH NO. Is that— Oh… is that LatinGoddess? Or is that Zombie?

Wade: I hope it’s one of the two. ‘Cause it’s just kinda starin’ at us.

Bob: [*something*]

Wade: Hey, I need food badly. I’ve got one heart, and no food.

Mark: No one gives a shit…

Bob: Hey, I’ve—

Mark: No one give—

Wade: Save me!

Mark: No one—

Bob: I’ve got some bread, Wade. Do you want some?

Wade: Yes! (hopeful) I gave you torches!

Mark: (menacingly) Get on yer knees and yer mouth.

Bob: I have torches. You’re gonna have to do better than that.

Wade: Uhh… (tosses jungle logs)

All: *laugh*

Bob: (gives Wade bread) “I find this: acceptable!”

Wade: *laughs* “That’s all I’ve got!”

Mark: “Not good enough, Worm!”

Bob: I wanna do that someday in real life.

Mark: Okay, we’re, like… I think—

Bob: [*something*] Wade gave me for this…

Mark: Wait, hang on…

Bob: Uhh…

Mark: Sh-shut up! SHUT UP! Shut up.

Bob: No.

Mark: We got, like— We’re, like… twenty-five minutes in. Wait—

Wade: (laughing) And we’ve not done shit!

Mark: We haven’t done SHIT.

Wade: *laughs*

Mark: So we got— no, I found diamonds!

Bob: Underwater house! Let’s go!

Mark: Wait, hang on…

Wade: Alright… Mark, what’re you doin’? We need a house.

Mark: (reading objective list) “Build a g—” “Build a giant chair”. Fuck the house. Build a chair. Out of—

Bob: Sand chair?

Mark: Out of wood.

Bob: (disappointed) Oh…

Mark: If you built it out of sand, I’d be amazed.

Bob: Glass chair?

Mark: YES.

Wade: Alright, we need more… we need more coal.

Bob: We have a stock of sand.

Wade: We need more coal.

Mark: We need more coal.

Wade: Or we could just use wood.

Mark: *sighs*

Wade: To make charcoal.

Mark: Well, you can make— yeah, charcoal. Yeah. That whole— that “advanced” Minecraft recipe of charcoal.

Bob: Hey.

Mark: Huh?

Bob: It is advanced.

Mark: Shut your mouth.

Bob: I’m gonna make, like, three more furnaces.

Mark: Why?

Bob: So we can make a fuck-load of glass all at once.

Mark: Do we have coal?

Bob: I’ve got some coal and a bunch o’ wood.

Mark: Okay then. I’m going to make… cobblestone pickaxe— after I lost all my shit— after I lost my IRON, ‘cause I was on FIRE.

Wade: (having just thrown wooden tools at Mark off-screen) I just threw stuff at you. Here Mark, have all this.

Mark: What— I don’t want this wood crap! Get this outta here!

Wade: It’s for YOU.

Mark: I’m tossing it in the OCEAN.

Bob: *laughs*

Wade: Okay. Good. I want your viewers to watch you mindlessly throw crap in the water.

Mark: I will. OH!

Bob: (to Mark) This is why you can’t have nice things, just so you know.

Wade: *chuckles*

Mark: Shut… up. These aren’t. Nice. Things.

Bob: I know, but this is why you can’t have them.

Mark: (sorting inventory) Alright, I got a complete set of whatever.

Wade: Alright, we’re gonna make this chair epic. I’m gonna start off with dirt.

Mark: (sarcastically) That sounds so epic, man… Sso epic, indeed— (notices villager) That villager is still there.

Wade: He’s creepy as hell.

Mark: Yeah.

Wade: He’s, like, got… fangs.

Bob: Maybe it’s—

Mark: He doesn’t have fangs— er, he’s different for your texture pack. He looks like a… a… a-a Jub-Jub from Star Wars.

Wade: …a ”Jub-Jub”?

Mark: Uh, you know, the… the “trader”—

Bob: “You know, a “Jub-Jub”.”

Mark: You know, the “trader” thingies.

Wade: …“Jawa”?

Mark: Yeah, that. That thing.

Bob: *laughs*

Wade: “Jub-Jub”?!

Mark: Shut up!

Wade: Are you kidding me?!

Mark: Shut up! It was a—

Wade: “Jub-Jub”?!

Mark: You could see the relation!

Wade: No! I cannot!

Mark: You can see it! …shut up. It’s ju—

Wade: If you’ve seen Star Wars at least once in your life, you know it’s not a “Jub-Jub”!

Mark: I’ve seen it many, many time— I thought it was a Jub-Jub!

Wade: (interrupting) That’s even worse!

Mark: I thought it was a Jub-Jub!

Bob: *laughs harder*

Wade: Oh my l— I’m questioning my subscription, all of a sudden.

Mark: *chuckles* You can leave anytime you want. Doesn’t matter to me.

Wade: I’m busy, um, helping out our villager here.

Bob: (placing furnaces) Blurp, blurp, blurp, blurp, blurp…

Mark: (having finished drinking) Ahh… (to Bob) Ahh— Shut up.

Bob: (standing over six furnaces) We have furnaces now.

Mark: Well, isn’t this fantastic. There’s nothing to put in them.

Bob: I have a fuck-load of sand, all we need is some wood.

Wade: AHH!!

Mark: What da hell?

Wade: (about villager) He’s digging his way out…

Mark: *chuckles* You okay over there Wade? You okay?

Wade: I’m good.

Mark: You okay?

Wade: (about hastily-built villager confinement) Don’t mind this. (walking away) Just don’t mind that.

Mark: Okay. (to Zombiemold) Zombie, can I get a full stack of TNT and a flint and steel?

Bob: *laughs*

Wade: (laughing) Well, there goes the chair before it even started.

Mark: Zombie, can I get— please, yes. Please yes. Full stack o’ TNT. Flint and steel.

Wade: Oh…

Mark: Ah… Z-Zom-Zombie.

Wade: Ugh… Oh my Lord… Minion.

Mark: (chuckling, slightly nervous) I don’t think he’s listening to me…

Bob: (noticing ‘Flint and Steel’ on the ground) Hey, a ‘Flint and Steel’.

Mark: What?!

Wade: *laughing* YES! GIVE IT TO BOB!

Mark: What the—?! What? NO!

Wade: Please, give it to Bob!

Mark: It’s not fair!

Wade: *laughs* (to Zombiemold) Zombie, could we get Mark surrounded by TNT, please?

Bob: *laughs*

Mark: Can we NOT?

Bob: (to Zombiemold) If you just give it to me, I’ll do it.

Mark, Wade: *chuckle*

Mark: Can we NOT?

Bob: I have the power.

Wade: *chuckles*

Mark: Please, dear God—

Bob: Hey—

Wade: Turn ‘godmode’ on for Bob and I, please.

Mark: No!

Bob: Yeah, jus-just me.

Wade: (laughing) Just Bob. I don’t even care, fine. Just Bob!

Bob: Alright, what the fuck kind of chair is this? What’s happening?

Mark: It’s… four legs, a seat…

Bob: Who…? Who-who-who— *laughs*

Mark: Did you get—

Bob: Who let Wade—? Who let Wade design the chair?

Wade: (places TNT next to Mark)

Mark: AH!

Bob, Wade: *laugh*

Bob: Hey Mark, you wanna see somethin’ funny?

Mark: Fine, whateve—

Bob: (Wade destroys TNT) No, Wade, put it back!

Mark: Fi— whatever! Whatever, just… do it.

Wade: (replants TNT blocks)

Mark: I don’t care.

Bob: (ignites TNT) AHH!!

Mark: My booody is reeaady… Bring it. Bring it on. (TNT explodes in a huge fireball; Mark and Wade die) Bring it— AH!!''

Bob, Wade: *laugh*

Bob: Oh, that was perfect.

Mark: Who—

Wade: (laughing) I killed myself!

Mark: Who lived?

Bob: I lived, bitch!

Mark: Really?

Wade: (laughing) Where are we?

Bob: That was… (chuckling) I have forty-nine ‘TNT’! *laughs*

Wade: *laughs*

Mark: *chuckles* I didn’t get shit! Wha’ the hell.

Bob: We should just—

Wade: That was awesome!

Bob: You know what we should do? We should just mine like this with TNT, and get all—

Wade: Oh, there’s iron here! Somebody with— who has something in their inventory, come [omitted: get it]!

Mark: (picks up pickaxe) I got it! I got it, I got-(gibberish), I got it! Hang on.

Wade: Oh…

Mark: I picked up someone’s… corpse.

Wade: (to Zombiemold) Hey Zombie, could I— (sound of TNT sizzling) OH, could I get a tool back?

Mark: (noting the ‘sizzle’) Ah! Ah! Stop that!

Bob, Wade: *laugh*

Mark: It’s not fair! You guys are bein’ mean!

Wade: (to Zombiemold, laughing) Can I get somethin’ other than ‘sand’ and ‘sandstone’ in my inventory?

Bob: *still laughing*

Mark: *chuckling*

Bob: Nope, you gotta do it right, like I did! I found this TNT, fair and square!

Wade: (laughing) Zombie gave me thirty-two ‘TNT’ and I used it all on Mark!

Bob: He gave you thirty-two? I have a bunch.

Mark: (to Wade) You used it ALL? How do you—

Wade: Hey Mark, where’s Bob at? You should take a look at him. (lights immediate area on fire) Oh, no! Zombie, this isn’t what I thought I had!

Bob: (catching on fire) Oh, son of a bitch! (dives into ocean)

Mark: *laughs*

Wade: (on fire) Why am I dying?

Mark: ‘Cause you’re on fire, you idiot.

Bob: (to Wade) Why did you just light me on fire?

Wade: *laughs*

Mark: (to Zombiemold) Zombie, why did you give THEM the tools and not ME?

Bob, Wade: *laugh*

Mark: Why did you give THEM the stuff?

Wade: (laughing) ‘Cause it’s for entertainment!

Mark: Nuu…

Bob: Hey Mark, you wanna see somethin’ scary?

Mark: What?

Bob: (jumps on furnaces; starts to search through)

Mark: Bob, that’s our stuff. Bob, that’s… that’s our furnaces… (spontaneously bursts into flames) Bob— WHAT da hell?! (turns to see a flaming Wade with flint and steel)

Bob: *laughs* Why’re you both on fire?

Wade: (laughing) ‘Cause I can’t burn him without burning me!

Mark: (in the water) Eh… Wade’s just a dick.

Bob: (to Wade, about furnaces) What’re you even burning in this?

Mark: We’re s’posed to be completing objectives!

Wade: (to Bob) This. (places blocks of sand)

Mark: We’re s’posed to be doing something pro— (notices strange object in inventory) ooh… (hovers over object - “Spawn Creeper”) *gasps* (approaches Bob and Wade; acting suspiciously) Heeey guys…

Bob: Uh oh…

Mark: Heeyy, come ‘eeere… Come ‘eeere…

Bob: (forming a fort with TNT blocks) I’m building myself a house.

Mark: C’mere— (attempting to spawn Creepers) Why can’t I do anything? I ca— I can’t do ‘em. (to Zombiemold) Zombie! ZOMBIE! It’s not working! (catches on fire; successfully spawns Creepers next to Bob) Here we go! I got it!

*Creepers explode, partially destroying Bob’s fort*

Bob: Aw, son of a bitch!

All: *laugh*

Bob: How did that not blow up my TNT house?

Mark: *still laughing*

Bob: Oh, you assbag!

Mark: Ehh— Oh no, did someone pick up the— did someone pick up the Creeper stuff?

Bob: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, shit!

Mark: Who got ‘em?

Bob: No one got ’em, He [?] just blew up all that TNT that I set.

Mark: *chuckles, inhales* Okay.

Wade: Where’s Mark at?

Mark: I’m-I’m back now.

Bob: He died a little bit.

Mark: I’m back now. I’m back now.

Wade: (off-screen disappointment) Aww…

Mark: Can I get more of those things? Zombie?

Wade: (about Zombiemold) He took ‘em aw—I picked them up, he took ‘em away from me again!

Mark: *laughs evilly* Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha! (attempts to spawn more Creepers) Come on… (Creepers spawn) Co— THERE we go! *laughs*

Wade: *laughs* (as Creepers explode) Well, clearly, this is the LEAST productive episode of all time!

Mark: (watching the explosions) It’s the first one, it’s not supposed to be productive.

Wade: (reading the console after death) “I [LordMinion777] tried to hug a creeper.” It’s ‘cause I love Creepers. They’re my shit.

*beat*

Wade: (in the Vox Populi city) Where am I?

Mark: (spawns Creepers behind Bob) GruuUUUUUGGGGHHH-HA-HA-HA!! (Bob evades all of them; Mark gives chase) Die Bob, you son of a bitch! (dies) Dammit! What the fuck?!'

Bob: *laughs*

Wade: Hey, where… where am I? How do you get back?

Mark: (in disbelief) …What da fuck?!

Bob: I’m the greatest. You can’t kill me.

Mark: Bob— (to Zombiemold) Zombie, kill Bob. Kill him dead.

Bob: No, Zombie can kill me. YOU can’t.

Mark: Oh, okay.

Bob: Assbag.

Wade: Oh… There’s a Creeper down here.

Bob: Does TNT—

Mark: (hears a fuse) AH!! (small explosion)

Bob: Does TNT blow up underwater?

Wade: Does anybody have any tools?!

Mark: No…

Bob: I have TNT and a flint and… stuff.

Mark: We seem to have lost—

Wade: We have so much stuff we could be getting!

Mark: We seem to have— (points to crater) There’s iron down in that pit.

Wade: Yes, there’s TONS of shi... *laughs*

Bob: Ah, shit! Ah, shit! (explosion) Oww! *laughs*

Mark: Oh, what’s that? You seem to be… (spawns Creepers) in pain!

Bob: (evades Creepers) Noo!!

Mark: (gives chase) Come on! Ge-get… get dead! Why can’t I kill you?

Bob: (in mock Southern accent) “Why can’t I quit you?”

Mark: “Why can’t I quit you?” “*bam, bam!*”

Wade: Oh, man…

Bob: Hey, I found an apple.

Wade: (to audience) Well, viewers, I apologise for Mark’s lack of leadership.

Mark: Pfft!

Bob: Wade, don’t apologise, Mark sucks.

Mark: Hey.

Wade: I apologise for Mark sucking.

Bob: Oh sorry. I mean… “Mark is the best”.

Mark: Aww…

Wade: “…at sucking”.

Bob: Here, Wade, I’m gonna help you mine, okay?

Wade: Okay… wait, wait, wait, wait, I don’t like this! *laughs*

Mark: *chuckles*

Wade: (laughing) I have an idea of how you might be helping me mine! (implying ‘TNT’) (urgently, to self) Oh, get out, Wade! Get out!

Mark: *stifles laughter* Somehow I don’t think these Creepers are as useful as TNT. But… I’m ‘onna spawn some anyway.

Bob: Oh no, I can’t make my TNT light anymore. (checking) Did I break my flint and steel? No, it still works.

Mark: (sneaks up behind Bob; spawns Creepers) AHH-ha-ha-ha!! Ye-he-he-he-he-hes!

Wade: I don’t even know where you guys are AT anymore. (falls into crater) Ahh, why am I dying?'

Mark: (sinisterly) I killed Bob. I killed him dead.

Wade: Oh…

Mark: I murdered him. I killed him so—

Wade: (about Drunk Minecraft) Is anybody actually gonna watch this crap?

Mark: What—

Wade: (to mysteriously exposed villager, angrily) Why’re you not buried?! (proceeds to re-trap villager)

Mark: Wha—? Whaddaya mean “are people gonna watch this”? Everyone’s gonna watch… (skeptical) Maybe, I dunno. Probably not.

Wade: (about Drunk Minecraft) Alright, if anybody actually likes this, you gotta like and favourite and comment that—

Mark: Pfft!

Wade: — this was awesome.

Mark: Shut up!

Bob: Hey Mark, I—

Mark: I don’t do that crap!

Bob: I challenge you to a duel.

Mark: What? With what?

Bob: I’m right behind you.

Mark: (Creeper approaches) A Creeper duel?

Bob: (accidentally kills Creeper) …Oh no, I killed it. That’s not good.

Mark: (spawns Creepers with remaining spawn eggs) Good job there, here’s two more! (explosion) BOOM! (punches Bob as he sails through the air; kills him) Yes, I PUNCHED you to death! I PAWNCHED you to death! Okay, anyway. Um… Were we, um…

Wade: “…doing anything?” No.

Mark: ...doing anything?

Wade: We were gonna make a chair, and it turned into this pit. (points to crater)

Bob: I don’t know who did THAT.

Mark: (responding to console message from Blade1209) Hey! No, I am not streaming! …Uhm… (to Zombiemold) Uh… Zombie! Could we get ‘ported somewhere else? We kinda destroyed this place.'

Wade: No! Zombie, we’re good! Just give us all TNT.

Mark: Shut up! We’re gonna go somewhere where we can actually start a legitim— a—

Wade: We’re destroying his entire server. *laughs*

Mark: (gets teleported) Oh, hello. (looks up) …I got ‘ported TEN FEET AWAY!

Wade: *laughs*

Mark: What da hell?!

Wade: *laughs more*

Mark: ‘Dis is bullshit!

Wade: Zombie does entertainment better than you do, Mark.

Mark: *chuckles* Shut up! I’ve… it’s MY YouTube channel! It’s… alright, whatever.

Wade: Oh, man…

Mark: (slightly slurred) I’m ‘onna have more beer.

Wade: Oh, yeah… yeah, we need to get more drunk, this is— this is good.

Mark: (to group) Ya’ll wanna go to B-Dub’s after this?

Wade: (laughing) Who’s driving?

Mark: Oh, yeah, that’s right.

Bob: *chuckles*

Wade: Actually, you know what, we could probably get Tyler to drive me.

Mark: Uhh… (slurred words) It’s too much— we gotta record more after this, or somethin’. I don’t know.

Wade: Alright.

Mark: I probably shouldn’t be telling all my viewers this… This is s’posed to be “behind-the-scenes” stuff.

Wade: (aside, to his younger brother) Zach, I’m busy!

Mark: “Zach”?

Wade: (to his brother) No.

Mark: What?

Wade: (to his brother) ‘Cause I’m playing Minecraft.

Mark: *wheezy laugh*

Wade: (to his brother) YOU need a drink?! I need a drink!

Mark: *laughs*

Wade: (to his brother) Zach, you’re just gonna have to wait a while, brother. (off-screen chatter) No, n— I’m not makin’ drinks for you before you drive.

Mark: Pbbt! *stifled laughter*

Wade: (off-screen chatter) (to his brother) I’ll getcha one later.

Mark: *laughs*

Wade: (off-screen chatter) (to his brother) Zach! Zach! *laughs*

Mark: *chuckles*

*all get teleported to a different location*

Bob: Oh shit!

Wade: Whoa!

Mark: Oh, yay!

Wade: Whoa!

Bob: I’m on a mountain.

Mark: Aha! We got ‘ported— okay, now… we’re gonna be SERIOUS.

Wade: Alright. You make—

Bob: I’m gonna build a house on the top of the mountain. You guys… get some torches and shit.

Wade: (to Bob) I’ll help you!

Mark: We got, like, ten minutes left. We’re gonna be serious.

Wade: (to Bob) I got sand. (to Mark) Mark, Episode 1’s got to be extended.

Mark: We’re gon— We’re gonna be serious. I got iron tools.

Bob: OOH! Mark, you should release extended cuts of these episodes!

Mark: What’s to be extended?!

Wade: *laughs*

Bob: You know, all the good stuff that we’re gonna do later.

Mark: It’s uncensored!

Wade: Where’d all my wood? I don’t have any wood!

Bob: I have one block of sand. Is that helpful?

Mark: Yes.

Wade: I’ve got sixty-four blocks of sand.

Bob: Well SOMEONE fucking killed me!

Mark: *wheezy laugh*

Wade: I’ve got twenty-two ‘gol—‘COAL’, sixty-four ‘sand’ and nine ‘iron’.

Bob: (dumbfounded) You have gold coal?

Mark: “Gold coal”? Holy hell!

Bob: Seems waste—

Wade: I have cold coal.

Bob: Seems wasteful to burn that.

Mark: He’s so rich.

Wade: We need, um… I’m-I’m gonna go get some wood.

Mark: He wipes his ass with diamonds, which… hurts… really bad, apparently.

Bob: That sounds awful, Mark.

Wade: Yeah, it’s awesome being me.

Mark: *chuckles* Okay, anyway. We’re gonna be totes serious.

Wade: *scoffs, laughs*

Bob: Totes McGoats.

Mark: We’re gonna be— *laughs*

Wade: Yeah. (chuckling) “Totes McGoats”. Alright. What’re we doin’?

Mark: Tote— uhm…

Wade: I’m bein’ serious.

Mark: You know what I wanna do?

Wade: …Oh God.

Mark: I wanna blow up my town!

Wade: …Uhm…

Mark: I wanna blow it all up!

Bob: We should— C’we just, like, get a fuck-load of dynamite?

Wade: Is this a good— Is this good— (off-screen) AHH!! Ahh, die! Die!!

Mark: *laughs* It always comes down to— (to Wade) What’re you doin’ Wade?

Wade: Die!

Mark: What’re you doing?

Bob: Hey—

Wade: I’m trying to get wood and I got… swarmed.

Mark: With what? I don’t even see you.

Wade: (to enemies) Die, you bastards…

Mark: What’re you—?

Bob: Why do I have… good stuff?

Wade: (whimpering) Ahh, die, die!

Mark: What is wrong wi— I don’t know. More beer.

Bob: Oh! Why don’t I have good stuff anymore?

Wade: I need food!

Bob: I keep randomly getting, and then losing things.

Wade: I am starving to death!

Bob: This is a really weird Minecraft thing.

Mark: Shut up. It’s fine.

Bob: Okay.

Mark: You got— (to Wade) Where are—THERE you are, Wade.

Wade: I need food.

Mark: (nearly falls) AH! Okay.

Bob: I am digging!

Wade: Somebody… somebo—

Mark: Build a farm! Get bone meal!

Wade: I’m getting wood!

Mark: Get bone meal!

Wade: We could build another crafting table!

Mark: (draws sword) I’m-I’m gonna get bone meal.

Wade: I’ve got— I had A bone, but I think somebody took it.

Mark: ‘Cause you can’t do shit. I’m ‘onna get… (approaching skeletons) I’m ‘onna kill these skeletons…

*pause*

Mark: …And then… (sees spider fighting skeleton) HEY, look, the spid— er, wait…

Wade:  Where’s everybody at?

Mark: What?

Bob: I’m on top of the mountain, building our house.

Mark: I’m, uh…

Wade: I’m so… I don’t even know what mountain you’re on now. I’m gonna climb this one, hope it’s the right one.

Mark: …What?

Bob: Just so you know, our house is really shitty.

Mark, Wade: *chuckle*

Bob: It’s only two blocks wide inside.

Mark, Wade: *laugh*

Bob: It’s… kinda—

Wade: (laughing) This is the worst thi— It’s a DIRT HOUSE!

Mark: It’s a dirt house?

Bob: Yeah? Well, I didn’t have a lot to work with.

Mark: (observes current build) OH. Oh, okay.

Wade: (to Bob) Here, here, here, here.

Mark: At least it’s— At least it’s nice in length.

Wade: Here, I’m contributing.

Mark: It doesn’t have much in GERTH, but you know. It makes up for it.

Bob: It’s how you— It’s how you use it, Mark.

Mark: Yeah, th-that’s true. Very true.

Wade: Does anybody have cobblestone?

Bob: (getting shoved) Ahh!

Wade: Wait, I just gave away my cobblestone.

*area starts getting rained on*

Bob: Oh no, it’s raining!

Mark: (to Wade) There’s cobblestone down there. I’m ‘onna go get it. I’m ‘onna get the cobblestone, hang on. (sees Enderman spastically teleporting in the rain) Whoa…

Wade: We need, uhm…

*pause*

Mark: Wha? Complete your sentences.

Bob: *laughs*

Wade: (laughing) I don’t remember my thoughts!

Bob: (yelling) “Mark, we need it!”

Mark: “We NEED it!” What?

Wade: (laughing) Then go get it!

Mark: I’m getting it!

Wade: What’re you getting?

Mark: Fuck! I dunno.

Bob: “It”. We need it.

Mark: “It”?

Wade: We are SO well-prepared!

Mark: Wel— We got a list of objectives that we’re… ignoring!

Wade: *laughs*

Mark: I don’t even think I—

Bob: Why would I—

Wade: Well, we were working on a house so that we could build a chair!

Mark: I don’t even think I should have the webcam in here. This is— This is ridiculous. This is ri— I-I think I’m gonna remove the webcam. I don’t know.

Wade: Why would you remove your webcam?

Mark: I don’t— I don’t know. I just…

Bob: *laughs*

Wade: Everyone wants to see how stupid you look while you play!

Mark: (glares at Wade)

Wade: That sounded meaner than it did in my head.

Mark: I will shove a rake up your anus.

Bob: Oh my GOD!

Mark: An entire rake—

Wade: I normally have to pay for that service.

Mark: An entire rake… up your anus.

Wade: You know, normally you gotta pay for stuff like that.

Mark: Yeah, I heard you the first time.

Bob: Okay, Cotton.

Wade: “Cotton”?

Mark: “Cotton”?

Bob: From “Dodgeball”? I thought you were…

Mark: No. No.

Bob: Never mind.

Mark: What the…?

Wade: Oh, I-I liked the— I do kno— I liked Cotton. I didn’t think of him.

Mark: Cotton the guy in the wheelchair?

Wade: No, no, that’s, um… Patches.

Bob: No, Cotton, the guy. The commentator.

Wade: Patches is the guy in the wheelchair.

Mark: I thought Chuck Norris was the commentator.

Bob: No, he’s a judge, idiot.

Mark: Oh, f—

Bob: How do you not know these things?!

Mark: Haw, well, fuck me then. Okay.

Bob: Yeah.

Wade: I’m putting a crafting table right here.

Bob: Is there any—

Mark: (marvelling the dirt house) This is the WORST house I’ve EVER seen—

Wade: *laughs*

Bob: It’s gonna be a flying house, okay?

Mark: —in my LIFE. I’m gonna—

Bob: We’re gonna have a hov— a hovering dirt house.

Wade: No, it’s gonna be glass! I’m putting a furnace and making glass.

*Mark goes to fight mobs; Creeper explodes*

Bob: (to Wade) Oh, that’s good. (notes explosion) What is that sound?

Mark: Uh, it’s a Creeper. It asploded. (Creeper explodes) Ah, my bone!

Bob, Wade: *laugh*

Mark: Get off my f… fuck you! (to group) SHUT UP!

Bob, Wade: *continue to laugh*

Mark: Shut up. There’s, like, ten-bajillion Creepers. What’s goin’ on here?

Wade: Oh, man. Hey can somebody get me food?

Bob: Mark, there are two behind you.

Wade: No crap, somebody get me food fast?!

Mark: (to Bob) What? Where?

Bob: Oh shit! I don’t have any food left.

Wade: (to Zombiemold) Zombie, I need food!

Mark: I’m ‘onna lead ‘em to the—

Wade: Zombie!

Mark: I’m ‘onna lead ‘em to the house.

Wade: (laughing/crying) Zombie, I need food!

Mark: (to Zombiemold) Zombie, don’t give him food.

Wade: Zombie!

Mark: Don’t-don’t give him— (to Wade; reveals zombie flesh) eat mine flesh. Here, I got—

Wade: (about Zombiemold) Oh, he filled up my food. Thank you Zombie!

Mark: No, f— Zombie, come on!

Wade: (to LatinGoddess) LatinGoddess, I need food!

Mark: Shut up. LatinGoddess can’t help ya.

Wade: (to Minecraft user) GummiBear, I need food!

Mark: He can’t help ya.

Wade: Somebody give me food!

Mark: Shut up. (to Zombiemold) Zombie, give me TNT.

Wade: (to Zombiemold) Zombie, give him nothing!

Mark: Give me… a stack of TNT and flint and steel so I can blow up this travesty of a house.

Bob: Mark, did you even SEE the house that you made?

Mark: I’m LOOKING at it!

Bob: No, this is the house that I made, I mean the house that YOU made.

Mark: Oh, okay.

Bob: That was stupid and awful and didn’t have a roof.

Mark: *confused*

Bob: It’s like the house I grew up in.

Mark: …Really?

Wade: *laughs*

Mark: (sarcastically) That’s so sad for you.

Bob: Uh—

Wade: (laughing) That is really depressing.

Mark: That’s depressing.

Bob: If my parents are subscribers to your YouTube channel, they are gonna be so confused.

Mark, Wade: *laugh*

Mark: Okay, anyway.

Wade: (to Minecraft user) GummiBear, I need food, please! LordMinion777 needs food!'

Mark: LordMinion777 needs shit. (checks inventory hotbar; finds one TNT block; to Zombiemold) I— you gave me ONE TNT? ONE?! Ehh, whatever.

Wade: That’s too much, take it away, Zombie.

Mark: (sets TNT down) It’ll have to do. (lights it) Kaboom!

Bob: [*something*]? (hears lit TNT) Shit.

Wade: (backing away) Uh oh.

*small explosion*

Mark: Fuck yo’ house! Just one?

Bob: It’s—

Mark: One’s so pathetic… One’s, like, the most— I need more beer.

Wade: (hits Bob repeatedly with stone sword)

Bob: Ow! What the shit?!

Wade: (notes mistake) Oh, I thought that was Mark! (laughing) My bad!''

Bob: (lands next to Creeper) No! There’s a Creeper!

Wade: *laughs*

*Creeper explodes*

Bob: Goddammit!

Mark: Waaay to go.

Wade: (laughing) I just totally screwed Bob!

Mark: *chuckles*

Bob: And I’m almost dead of hunger, you dick!

Mark: (jumps from perch onto Bob and Wade) OOOOOOHHH—AHH!! (lights area on fire)

Bob: (caught aflame) Haha, son of a bitch!

Mark: Die! Roast! Burn in hell! Buuurn in hell!

Wade: (laughing) Why can’t we hit Mark?!

Mark: Buuurn— did I get Godmode? I think I did get Godmode.

Wade: (to Zombiemold) Zombie, take Godmode off of Mark!

Mark: Yeeeaah! Ooh, yeeaaah!

Wade: [*something, something*]

Mark: Oooohh, yeeeeeaaaahh! (reads console – “God mode disabled.”) AHH, “God mode disabled”! What the hell?!

Wade: Yes!

Mark: No, not fair. Not fair!

Wade: AHH, Skel-e-tohn!

Mark: “Skel—” What?

Wade: We just spawned in the middle of death.

Mark: Don’t care, don’t care, I don’t care.

Wade: (to Zombiemold) Hey Zombie, Bob and I need lots of diamond equipment and TNT.

Mark: (fighting spiders) Sh— ah!

Wade: And food.

Mark: I d— shut up! We’re—

Bob: I can’t believe the sapling isn’t killing that spider.

Mark: “The sapling”?

Bob: Maybe we shouldn’t play a Minecraft. We should do, like…

Mark: (gets pummelled by Wade) Ahh!

Bob: …a game where we can’t kill each other.

Mark: Fu— shu— shut up! This is— This is— (sees Wade jump down after him, hitting a spider) Aw, Wade, you’re actually trying to kill me?! (unsheathes iron sword)

Wade: No! There’s a spider—

Mark: (starts hitting Wade) No— OH, no. OH NO YOU— (Wade dies) Yeah.''

Wade: Bob, get ‘im!

Mark: Yeah, that’s right…

Bob: (to Wade) I’m dead!

Wade: (laughing) Dammit, I’m dead too!

Mark: I have— I have iron stuff, and I… fucked your shit up.

*pause*

Mark: Yep. I’M the winner. I’m the best.

Wade: (about Zombiemold) Why is Zombie not listening to us?

Mark: ‘Cause Zombie’s not… never gonna listen to you. (eats zombie flesh) I just ate rotten flesh.'

Wade: Who has all my glass?

Mark: Not me.

Wade: What happened to all the stuff I dropped when I died? Someone took it.

Mark: No one gives a shit, about you, and anything you do.

Wade: Well, that’s kinda depressing.

Mark: It is, isn’t it?

Wade: I know all of your viewers care about me.

Mark: Mm-hm. (notices console – “Zombiemold> Whats up Mark? Missed it?”; chuckling) Zombie’s… “What? Huh? What?” (to Zombiemold) Zombie, you’re IN this Skype call! What’re you talkin’ about? What’re you talkin’ about “missing it”? (to group) Okay, anyway. Umm… (checks episode timer) We’re actually almost outta time… for this… Yeah, we’re… I think we’re out of time, actually. Yeah, I think we’re done. I think that’s it for the first episode. (to Bob) Bob?

Bob: What?

Wade: This is the worst first episode of all time.

Mark: Bob?! Are you there?

Bob: Yeah.

Mark: We might be done.

*large swells and clusters of TNT start to appear at the base of the hill*

Wade: OH, DUDE, LOOK AT THE TNT!!

Mark: AHH!!

Wade: Ahh!

Mark: (brings up flint and steel) LIGHT IT!! Light it, light it, light it, light it, light it, light it, light it, light it, light it!! (ignites several blocks of TNT) Oh my God, we’re gonna crash the server!

*perpetual explosion*

Mark: Ahh!

Wade: *laughs uncontrollably*

Mark: Oh God, we’re gonna b— Oh G— (turns around; frame-rate drops at the sight of large explosions) OOHH MY GOD!!

Wade: Yeees!

Mark: I’m TWO frames per second!

Bob: *laughs*

Mark: Oohh…

Wade: I am drinking to this!

Mark: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho…

Bob: I couldn’t even see what was happening…

Wade: I STILL can’t see what’s happening. I’m so dead!

Mark: OH my…

Bob: No, I mean, I’m not there, ‘cause I died and didn’t get ‘ported.

Mark: All I see are pretty colours.

Wade: (elsewhere) Why do I keep spawning here? I don’t like this place.

Mark: (laughing) Oh, man…

Wade: (elsewhere) Climbing the waterfall… to the top.

Mark: One frame per second.

Bob: (elsewhere) I’m attacking this apartment building.

Mark: Good for you.

Wade: (laughing) AHH, there’s dynamite falling around me! Why?!

Bob: (to Zombiemold) Zombie, can I join them? Did I get banned?

Mark, Wade: *chuckle*

Mark: How’d you get banned?

Bob: Mark, am I banned?

Mark: No, you’re-you’re on. You’re on. You might have gotten kicked or lagged out.

Bob: Oh. (arriving to a large crater) Holy shit.

Mark: *laughs*

Bob: (dumbfounded) What the hell?

Mark: That was somethin’.

Bob: (laughing) God! (notices spring) Where did the water come from?

Mark: *laughs*

Wade: I found iron!

Mark: Okay, good—

Wade: Where’s our mountain at? Does it— Does it still exist?

Mark: Okay—

Bob: This was it!

Mark: Anyway… umm… that’s gonna do it for this episode.

Wade: *laughs*

Mark: (to audience) Thank you all so much for watching. If you like Drunk Minecraft, let us know— let us know what you think in the comments below. And if you want more… (laughing) I guess we’ll do more.

Wade: (laughing) Wade and Bob and Mark.

Mark: I… this is— yeah, this has been me, my friends Bob and Wade… both here to entertain you. So if you like it, let us know in the comments, and if you want more… let us know! So thank you all so much or watching. And as always… we’ll see YOU… in the next part! Bye-bye!! (to group) Say “bye”.

Wade: (to audience) Bye everybody!

Mark: There we go. Bob.

Bob: I refuse.

Mark: …Fuck you, Bob. (to audience) Bye-bye!

Wade: Bye-bye!

Bob: *chuckles*

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