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Five Nights at Freddy's: The Interview/Transcript

< Five Nights at Freddy's: The Interview

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title card for "Warfstache Tonight" plays
Warfstache Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and all of the configurations of being. My name is Wilford Warfstache, and tonight, I bring you the interview of all interviews in my triumphant return to hard-hitting journalism. I'd like to welcome my special guest, head of security at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza...
makes an unsure facial expression
Warfstache Phone Guy!
turns to Phone Guy
Warfstache Welcome sir!
camera views Phone Guy, a disembodied voice on a red dial telephone next to a desk fan
Phone Guy Hello, hello!
Warfstache Hello, good sir!
Phone Guy Hello?
Warfstache Yes, greetings, my main man!
Phone Guy Hello?
Warfstache Hey.
Phone Guy Hello?
Warfstache Hey...
Phone Guy Hello?
Warfstache Hey!
Phone Guy Hello, hello?
Warfstache (frustrated) Oh, for f*ck's sake! Hello, hey, howdy, greetings, bonjour!
Phone Guy Oh, well hi there!
Warfstache Yes, well, could you briefly explain what it is you do at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza?
Long pause; Warfstache grinning widely, waiting for an answer
Phone Guy ...Hello?
Warfstache MOTHERF*CK--
*PLEASE STAND BY*
Warfstache (to audience) Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen, we had some technical difficulties, but everything seems to be hunky-dory now.
turns to Phone Guy
Warfstache So, Phone Guy, welcome.
Phone Guy Well, hi there!
Warfstache So give us a brief description of what one would be doing if given the opportunity to work in your position?
Phone Guy Well, uh... one would be in charge of viewing security cameras and at one point would be in charge of using telekinetic powers to... wind up a music box so the scary pop-up man doesn't go *boo!*.
Warfstache Go *boo!*? Why, that sounds absolutely frightful! What other creepy goings-on happen around, uh... Freddy Fazbear's...?
Phone Guy Well... the lights flicker quite often. There are grotesque children's drawings posted all around the office and occasionally you have to put on a mask so the mechanical children's animatronics don't forcefully stuff you into an exoskeleton--
Warfstache appears shocked
Phone Guy or... or jump out and go *boo!*.
Warfstache You seem to be strongly inferring the amount of *boo!*s that occur within your division.
Phone Guy Yes, there're a lot of *boo!*'s.
Warfstache How many *boo!*'s?
Phone Guy A lot of *boo!*'s.
Warfstache And if you were to count them each shift?
Phone Guy Uh, anywhere from two to five *boo!*'s.
Warfstache (taken aback) BLAH! GOD, man! I have no idea how you go about dealing with that many *BOO!*'S!
Phone Guy F*ck me.
Warfstache What?
Phone Guy Uh, no, I-I said, uh, you close some doors and turn on and off some lights.
Warfstache (intrigued) Oh, I see. Well, it's come to my attention that there are some... STRANGE conspiracies surrounding your restaurant.
the lights flicker for a moment before totally blacking out
Warfstache (confused, then frustrated) Oh, what the bloody hell now?!
creaking; Warfstache looks concerned
Phone Guy Hello?
Warfstache SHUT THE F*CK UP, MOTHERF*CKER! Oh, looks like I'll have to get things up and running again, because my CREW is STANDING AROUND like... metaphor...
gets up to explore
cuts to Warfstache trudging down the dark hallways with a lit candle in hand
Warfstache (frustrated) Ugh, you give someone ONE thing to do, and the WHOLE show gets put in jeopardy.
deep laughter echoes through the building, signifying Freddy's presence
Warfstache (alertes) Who goes there? Need I remind you that I am Wilford Warfstache--
two bright red lights (eyes) glow behind Warfstache
Warfstache and Warfstache doesn't take no shit--
turns and notices the lights
Warfstache: (worried) --from... nobody...'
Warfstache blinks and screen cuts to black, before Golden Freddy lunges at the screen, bearing bright red glowing eyes

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