Warfstache: (voiceover) The Slender Man. Once the most feared creature in all of existence...
*Slender Man turns*
Warfstache: ...now a registered sex offender and heroin addict.
Warfstache: 'Scuse me, Slender Man, could we get an interview?
Slender Man: No! NO!
*runs away, his wig falling off*
Warfstache: (voiceover) Where did it all go so wroooong?
Warfstache: Good evening everybody, my name is Wilford Warfstache with the AFC News. I got the exclusive chance to sit down with the world-famous Slender Man...
Warfstache: SO, Slender Man, the former triumverate of terror, the epitome of evil, reduced to a shell of a man, with an ill-fitting suit and a ridiculous moustache. *inhale* Can we lose the fake moustache? You're safe here.
Slender Man: ...I suppose.
Warfstache: That looks MUCH better...
Warfstache: SO, Slender Man, AFTER the Rake Trials of '09, you were granted immunity for all your child-molesting ways.
Slender Man: Bu-- but I-- bu-- that's not what happened!
Warfstache: What happened after that?
Slender Man: I... I went to the woods.
Slender Man: And I tried to... I tried to paint and draw.
Warfstache: But you can't paint at all.
Slender Man: I tried!
Warfstache: You didn't try hard enough.
Slender Man: It doesn't matter, I didn't get a chance!
Warfstache: Oh, what happened?
Slender Man: I hung up the little bit of work I accomplished and Markiplier took it all!
Warfstache: Markiplier! The world-famous and devilishly handsome YouTuber!
Slender Man: I-- I--
Warfstache: INCREDIBLE, your words are that he is...
Slender Man: I didn't-- I never said that!
Warfstache: ..."The greatest person in existence."
Slender Man: I don't--
Warfstache: Let's take a look.
Slender Man: That's not what that says--
Markiplier: Slender Man ain't got sh*t on my swag! YOLOOOOO--
Warfstache: (voiceover) Soon after our interview, Markiplier was hit by a bus. His last words: "You don't need to look both ways when ya got swaaaaag..."
Slender Man: He deserved it!
Slender Man: He took everything from me!
Warfstache: How? It was just your crappy art.
Slender Man: (slightly offended) ...It was GOOD art!
Warfstache: It was not.
Slender Man: I hung it in the woods where it was hurting nobody and he took it all!
Warfstache: Oh, it was so ugly, I'm glad he ripped it down. BUT... after that, what happened? Markiplier met his demise.
Slender Man: They locked me up... in an asylum.
Slender Man: And Markiplier and others found me there.
Warfstache: Others? There were more?
Slender Man: There were more.
Warfstache: (intrigued) Ooh, do tell.
Slender Man: I got out... and I tried to teach. I went to a school, and they stole my lesson plans right off the walls!
Warfstache: Was that because you were a child molester?
Slender Man: I-- what? I-- I--
Warfstache: I think that was true, yes, but moving on. What happened next?
Slender Man: I- I went back home!
Slender Man: And they came there.
Slender Man: Markiplier cleaned out my house!
Slender Man: He took my grandfather clock!
Warfstache: Not your grandfather! How did he carry him out?
Slender Man: The mechanics of it are... mind-boggling!
Warfstache: He must be incredibly strong.
Slender Man: I didn't say--
Warfstache: Man, he's the greatest person ever. So strong, AND HANDSOME?
Slender Man: But, I didn't--!
Warfstache: Handsome, too!
Slender Man: I didn't say--!
Warfstache: My goodness, you really LIKE this guy!
Slender Man: What?! N-NOO!!
Warfstache: Oh, may he rest in peace.
Slender Man: NO! I want him to burn!
Warfstache: Okay, so then you moved to the CITY to try to get some escape.
Slender Man: I did. And they all came there, too.
Warfstache: And then?
Slender Man: And then, finally, I turned myself back in and went to prison.
Warfstache: Yes, but you weren't safe there?
Slender Man: No. I wasn't.
*turns to Warfstache*
Slender Man: They came there, too.
Warfstache: As I recall it, we all ganged up on you and beat you to a pulp.
Slender Man: But... I've done--
Warfstache: I was there!
Slender Man: I've never been--
Warfstache: I had an afro!
Slender Man: I... remember-- I DON'T REMEMBER--!
Warfstache: Yes, I did, I punched you in the gonads!
Slender Man: I don't recall!
Warfstache: Warfstache don't mess no sh*t with nobody!
Slender Man: I still owe you for that!
Warfstache: Alright, so after that embarrassing incident... what happened? Where did you go?
Slender Man: I went down to Jamaica and... found myself.
Warfstache: Yes, and that's where you bought that ridiculous wig?
Slender Man: This is real!
Warfstache: Ehh, no, I remember you were bald-a-rino.
Slender Man: I just... I GREW this--
Warfstache: Spick and span, not a follicle to befel.
Slender Man: I just... did a good haircut.
Warfstache: Right, right, a bad haircut every day 'cause you had no hair.
Slender Man: But I didn't--
Warfstache: Oh, what happened then?
Slender Man: I went down and I met some nice fellas who... who gave me this look. They helped me... find my ways and I got new methods of... inspiration.
Warfstache: (sudden shock) Is that where you got addicted to heroin?!
Slender Man: I didn't say that!
Warfstache: There you have it everybody!
Slender Man: *incoherent*
Warfstache: The world famous Slender Man...
Slender Man: No--
Warfstache: ...now Slender-Mon...
Slender Man: "Slender-Mon"?!
Warfstache: ...reduced to a heroin addict and a child molester!
Slender Man: WHAT?! I didn't s--!
Warfstache: So how does this terrifying and influential figure fall from grace? Well first, don't molest children, also, don't become addicted to HEROIN... and also, don't move to Jamaica and wear a ridiculous wig.
*suddenly turns to the Slender Man, who was sneaking up behind him*
Warfstache: F**K OFF Slendy! Warfstache don't take no sh*t from nobody!
*Slender Man walks away, defeated*
Warfstache: My name is Wilford Warfstache, and this has been AFC News. Goodnight.
Mark: Guululu, guulululu...
*turns to Wade*
Wade: (as the Slender Man) He deserved it!
Mark: (as Warfstache) Oh-hoh, whyyy? What about all those that YOU'VE killed?
Mark: (as Warfstache) Warfsum just spittle all over himself. Continue please.
Mark: (as Warfstache) ...and a ridiculous moustache. Please, can we... take it--
*Wade pulls hair away, pulling the moustache off in the process, leaving the velcro*
Mark: (as Warfstache) --THANK you very much. Just to prove my point.
Wade: I don't remember where I went next.
Mark: (as Warfstache) I think he went to the...
*reads notebook at eye level*
Mark: (as Warfstache) ...mental institution.
Wade: (laughing) I just said that!
Mark: (as Warfstache, laughing) I think he went back... because you should've gone there... you son of a bitch! Warfsum won't take shit from you!
Wade: It all started when you drooled!
Mark: Cannot forget such... important details, CAN we?
*looks at camera*
Mark: (as Warfstache) Is that your artistic eyes blinking... Slender Man?
*turns to Wade, who breaks into slight chuckles*
Mark: (as Warfstache) ...IZ IT?!
Mark: Alright, coming out of 'Markiplier's demise'. AND ACTION!
Wade: (as the Slender Man) He deserved it!
Mark: (as Warfstache) Who did?!
Wade: (as the Slender Man) Markipli...
*noting the error, both break into laughter*
Wade: (laughing) Why was that your question?
Mark: (laughing) I don't know!
Wade: (as the Slender Man, acting shifty) N-NO!
*speeds off in a slow jog*
Wade: (as the Slender Man) ...gruhh...
Mark: (off-screen) Run stupider! That wasn't nearly stupid enough!
Wade: I didn't know this was gonna be a stupid one!
Mark: (off-screen) You run stupid! When I want 'action', I want stupid!
Wade: (chuckling, about the wig) This feels like it's falling off.
Mark: (off-screen) Too bad, do it again.
Mark: (off-screen) Ah, my moustache... okay, and three, two, one, action!
*Wade walks, taking note of his surroundings before turning to the camera*
Wade: (as the Slender Man) NO!
*runs spread-eagled down the field*
*Mark breaks into laughter*